(Self) Conscious
“People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet.” ― Sa'di
“Whenever you are self-conscious, you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all.” ― Osho
“I got here early so I can hide,” a student tells me as he lays down his mat in the back.
“I haven’t done yoga in ages,” says another. “I am so freaking stiff.”
“Man, do I suck at balance poses…”
Out of all the tendencies I notice in my students, self-consciousness is by far the most common. Most often it’s in the form of self-deprecation; other times it’s about self-confidence. Either way, the ego is clearly calling the shots.
The yogis teach that there are two parts to the Self. The first is the lower self, or ego, which consists of our body, our five senses and our changing thoughts and opinions. The second is the higher Self, or seer, which is the part of us that is unchanging, the part of us that doesn’t judge, but just observes. I catch glimpses of it now and again, but for me, tapping into that nonjudgmental present-moment awareness is the absolute hardest part of the practice.
I’ve lately been working on improving my hands-on assists. Last month I was giving Debi an assist in Urdvha Hastasana (upward hands pose), and she, Angie, and I started talking about it after class. Angie told me that Debi had told her that she had liked the assist but had been self-conscious because she all sweaty and then also realized she had forgotten to put on deodorant. I laughed because, a) I hadn’t noticed, and, b) I had been thinking, “Am I doing this right? Does this feel ok to her? Man, do I suck at this…”
I grew up in a bilingual home, and when my sister and I spent a summer in Germany as children to visit our grandparents, my sister blathered on in German unselfconsciously while I hesitated to speak because I didn’t want to make any mistakes. Later, when I taught high school German, I had a student who, like my sister, blathered on unselfconsciously, but got a C in the class because her tests (which included grammar) were pretty poor. Other students who were less free in their speech got A’s. I pictured them all spending a summer in Germany. Who would be the most effective communicator? Isn’t the purpose of learning a language to communicate?
Becoming “conscious” rather than self-conscious is at the heart of yoga. But frankly, I’m also all about having an ego. I think it’s an important motivator for goal setting and relationship building. But—another heart of yoga moment—it’s all about balance. Is hiding in the back keeping you from intentional growth? Is nailing that arm balance being done at the expense of a mindful, sustainable practice? How’s that Italian shaping up?
Whatever your answers, I promise I won’t judge you.