IOY/'DOA "Listen to Understand" Workshop Summary
SOME DATA ABOUT LISTENING:
A Harvard survey asked participants to choose which of the following descriptions best matched how well they thought they listened:
I try.
I’m decent.
I’m tuned in.
92% of the respondents said they were “decent” listeners. 7% identified themselves as “trying hard.” But when the respondents’ closest friends/partners were asked to rate them, the numbers almost completely reversed.
Takeaway Message: If the statistics are accurate, we may have room to improve our listening skills. (This idea was explored in our Vegas groups with the question, “Whom do you know that’s a great listener and why do you think that?” Then you came to neutral to choose which of the above three descriptions best matched your opinion of your own listening skills.)
88% of our day is spent communicating. 55% of that time is spent listening.
Takeaway Message: If so much of our communication time is spent listening, then improving our listening skills will greatly improve our communication. (This idea was explored in our “Helium Stick” game.)
7% of what we try to convey is done with words. The other 93% is done through tone of voice and facial expression.
Takeaway Message: Good listening requires direct intention. We’re not automatically great at it just because we’re born with two ears. (This idea was explored in our “Dancing Queen” game.)
In summary, great listers are MADE, not born. Great listening is vital to improving relationships. Becoming a great listener is possible but it requires intention and effort.
ACTIONS WE CAN PRACTICE TO IMPROVE OUR LISTENING SKILLS:
If we’re to listen to understand, then our initial response must be to drill down with questions. Asking your partner questions keeps them talking, which helps you to listen rather than to give your opinion or “fix.” Help is only help if it’s asked for. Great listeners spend time drilling down with clarifying questions and don’t share their opinions until requested.
A great listener will have the vulnerability to acknowledge that their mind has wandered during a conversation. They’ll own it and request the data again to reinforce with their partner the importance of the conversation. Having a “hip pocket statement” already planned helps ease the initial tension about what to do next when you’ve missed the conversation. Example: “I’m so sorry. What you’re saying is important to me but I’ve gotten hijacked by internal conversation. Would you please say that again?” The important part is the statement needs to sound authentically like YOU.
Great listeners don’t “miss the message in the mess.” Emotionally charged conversations can carry “stacked” messages, i.e., they can start with one topic and then snowball with three or more other issues. The “mess” of the message might be the emotional charge they share with what is attacking or provoking. A great listener sticks with the original message, remains calm, then asks probing questions.
By MJ Anderson